leaving tomorrow

I leave Dominica on Saturday. I have one more sunsets and one more sunrise until I leave this land in a turboprop plane, preferably not in the dead center of the path of the “tropical depression #5”


I’ve been here long enough for the newness of the island to wear off. I’ve been here long enough to experience the weekly routines, long enough to make relationships with people that I’ve had enough time to know fairly well. I’ve been here long enough to know the difference between Whitegate IGA and Roseau’s Save A Lot and which place to go to for which groceries. I’ve been here long enough to have an expired visitor’s pass at Ross University School of Medicine.

I haven’t been here long enough to read all the books that I brought with me, eat a ripe avocado from a tree, or get to know even half of the people at the church.


I’ll miss the conversations that I’ve had here. I’ll miss the people here. I’ll also miss the views here. I’ll miss the beach, I’ll miss the fresh fruit, and I’ll miss the slow lifestyle. I’ll miss not having a car, I’ll miss not having a phone. I’ll kind of miss not going to work. I’ll miss the small groups. I’ll miss the Bible studies. I’ll definitely miss the Loy family.


I have definitely had time to rest. I’ve discovered a lot about myself. I’ve had tons of time for reflection. I’m taking life day by day, and it seems to be taking me new places.  I am very EXCITED (versus nervous, impatient, frustrated, ect) to see what the next step of my journey is.


I have realized, however, that anything can be a completely new adventure, so long as I chose to make it that way. I'm ready for my next adventure.

I went to the bay today...

Everybody always says that you feel so small when you look at the ocean. I don’t think I feel small when I look at the ocean. I don’t think I really feel anything about myself at all. I get so lost in the beauty.

I think I actually found the way to take a vacation from myself. I’ve found a way to lose track of all my confusions, my worries, and my fears. I found a way to experience God in the fullest, most consuming way.

Not a thought in my mind, save those about the crashing of the waves.

Time is endless, time is infinite, time is standing still, time is irrelevant, time is non-existent.

There is now. There is each wave, followed by another. There is the sky meets the water meets the rocks meets the bay. Nothing else exists.  

blah blah, ramble ramble

July 23, 2012

Hey Mom! I started this for you.  Love you.

“Write even when you don’t feel like writing.” I told this to myself so many times before I left, in hopes that I would have a large collection of all my writings at the end of my trip. I still didn’t feel like writing this when I started typing, but I’m already better.  

I’ve been thinking, praying, and (kind of) writing towards understanding peacefulness and rest. I thought that once I finally let go of all the “worries of the world” I would feel more at peace, I would feel as if everything is perfect and I was just running in circles in wide open pastures. I didn’t feel that way during the very moment that I thought would be the most perfect and peaceful. I was laying by the pool in perfect weather with the most beautiful background imaginable in my line of view. I lay there soaking in the sun while my brain went crazy! I’ve taken a vacation from my car, my house, my bills, finances, worries, everything. I failed to take into account that no matter how hard I try, I can’t take a vacation from myself. A lot of my thoughts left once I left the US.

Practical thoughts like:

This traffic sucks.

I have to go get gas again…I’ll wait another day.

Did I miss my credit card payment?

Wait, do I have any money in my checking account at all?

Crap, what time do I work tomorrow?

Should I not be going out tonight?

Did I wash my work uniform?

And even some deeper thoughts like:

What kind of sociological impact does the campus have on the community?

Are the relationships I have with customers at work really relationships at all?

Will reading books make me more cultured or am I just reading American products of American men which results in more American thoughts?

…and stuff like that.

But some thoughts very much remained the same. As I sat by the pool, I wondered:

So, would I be okay in a different country all by myself?

Is there any real (significant) difference between any given two people or do we all have the same thoughts and questions?

If I have dreams and I’m not actively pursuing them, does that make me lazy?

If I’m unsure about my next stage in life, do I wait until I’m sure or do I just go out and do it?

Is it wrong to pursue something that you want until you get it?

Is it wrong to never pursue something that you want?

…and the list goes on and on and on.

I was disappointed when I realized that some of the most bothersome, consuming contemplations that bounce back and forth in my brain are probably there to stay for a while. These are the kinds of questions that produce character as I search for the answers. Which then just makes me wonder if there’s ever going to be answers for me. Or are these those questions that are only answered in the journey.  

Sigh.

This may be the reason that I can’t be left alone for a very long amount of time. I get myself lost in my mind. No vacation will every give me a vacation from myself. I need to learn to be comfortable with my thoughts.

I’m also wondering about balance. Balance. How will I ever get my life to be balanced? I feel like I live the edge of a saucer. I keep walking around the edges, contemplating how other people are doing on the other side of the saucer. Perhaps I’ll walk closer to them to see how things are. I accidentally run through the middle much quicker than I intend to and I end up right back on the edge of the other side. It’s quite the predicament, really.

Or maybe my problem is that I’m stuck in the middle but I’m preoccupied by the extremes and I am always cautious to not err too far on any side of extremity. I’ve figured it out. My actions, conversations, and life are mostly balanced in the middle. My thoughts are what run around the edges of the saucers.

Approx 2 Weeks In...

So, since Thursday, not too much has happened. We had a couple of small group meetings and meals out on the very busy happenin’ town. Mostly I’ve spent my hours in the apartment with the family. We’ve enjoyed some really great conversation together. It’s been a good time for reflection and silence. I’ve been reading a lot and spending a lot of time thinking. It’s good, it’s one of the goals of my being here. I’m starting to figure myself out a little more. It will be a lifelong process but I’m working towards it. I’m happy with the place I’m in right now.

Tomorrow will mark two weeks of being here. Time flies! I’m thankful for the large amount of time that I’m getting to spend here. Most people I meet expect me to only be here a week or so since I’m visiting. I’m excited to see what the rest of this little adventure has for me. 

Who wants pictures?

Things found in the US are sometimes hard to find here, but I got myself some bubble tea :)

Would you love to join me for lunch at that table?

Does the sea ever end?

                            

I love this.

I found lunch in the form of a coconut!!!

View from a restaurant on the beach

                                                                       

This is the bridge in the sun...

This is the bridge in the rain

Mid-week Festivities

Tuesday was a glorious day filled with things that I love. Some girls from church all get together on Tuesday mornings for a little Bible study. We had a short little hike up the road to the study. A sweet little woman from Iran made green bean casserole for us to eat at 9:30am. This seemed like quite a peculiar breakfast item. However, this was not my grandma’s (or my mom’s for that matter) green bean casserole that I’m used to eating during the holidays. It was made with some type of spicy dark gravy and it was not topped with French’s fried onions. I must have eaten ¼ of it! It was so good! I never knew spicy green bean casserole could make such a wonderful breakfast item!

The study got in to discussing prayer. It was an interesting conversation that we ended up having. A couple of the ladies that come to the study are new Christians that had a lot of questions but also a lot of incredibly insightful things to say. Overall, I found the actual written study to be rather uninteresting. But the conversation that stemmed from it turned out to be stimulating. I found it slightly hilarious how different everyone in the group seemed to be. There were different opinions about almost every topic, but that may have been just because I had different views on most of the things that were discussed, even though I didn’t share many of them out loud. I am finding that people here are so willing to speak their minds and are so very willing to learn but also to share their lives with everyone else. I know I talked about this earlier but it’s becoming so much more apparent in all the interactions that I’ve been having.

After Bible study, water aerobics! This is fun. I absolutely love the pool and I absolutely love that I can exercise without getting overly hot. It’s probably one of my favorite things to do here.  After the aerobics with the ladies, we all went to lunch at an American-type restaurant called Tomato. We ate outside and had a wonderful time while enjoying delicious, fresh food.

As soon as we got back to the apartment after all our morning and afternoon festivities, it was almost time for another Bible study. I really enjoyed the evening group as well. It was wonderful to see so many students so passionate about what they’re learning and studying about. Everyone wanted to talk, contribute and share their lives with everyone else. No one seemed scared or awkward about asking questions, sharing an idea, or simply wondering out loud. I can’t remember the last time I was in a group like that in the States. It was refreshing and encouraging.

I feel somewhat like a stranger here still, depending on which groups of people I am with. But I do enjoy that lots of other people enjoy talking as much as I do. I’m spending more time watching, listening and thinking instead of interacting and responding. This is rather monumental for those of you that know me pretty well. I think it’s good for me. I’ve had a lot of time to sort out some of my thoughts. But on the downside, I’ve also ended up with a lot of time to let my mind wander around to all sorts of places. Places that I think it’s best for my brain not to wander to. Anyway, I’ve had a lot of time to think. It’s been good but challenging.

Wednesdays are day-trips. We typically rent a van and drive somewhere somewhat distant on the island. Faculty spouses, Americans that live here, and some student spouses come on these trips. I found this particular trip to be halfway boring but also very simple. We drove to a beach and spent about 4 hours there. The restaurant we were supposed to eat at had approximately two choices for lunch: fried hotwings or fried fish. Does anyone know which one I chose to eat? So we ate lunch by the beach and laid out for a while. It was slightly rainy at first, so some of us were laying in beach chairs with our umbrellas out. It was an interesting sight. 

I made friends with two little black girls. One was 18 months old and the other was three. The 18 month old was kind of attached to me for a solid hour. We had a lot of fun. She fed me Doritos, I let her play with my bracelets, we giggled together, and took turns pointing out where the other’s nose/eyes/mouth/cheeks were. It was kind of really adorable. I wanted to take her home with me. That might have been my favorite part of the day.

After the beach, we came back to the apartment and I spent some time outside enjoying the view from the balcony. It’s simply beautiful.

I’ve heard a lot of people from here talk about how inconvenient it is to not have a Wal-Mart, developed life, or whatever. But I really think that I bask in the glory of simplicity here. There are so many less things to get distracted by, many less things to worry about, and all the “lackthereofs” provide for deeper human connection with each other and with nature. I consider it to be a blessing to be so far away from Americanized cities and homes. I really do think I could stay here much longer than a month. If I could just get a job at a local school or daycare…maybe I would stay here a while longer. 

Writings from Day 7

On Saturday, I slept in pretty late. I woke up and then almost immediately found out that April and I might be needed to lead worship for a small group at the house that evening. We practiced almost all day until everyone came over around 6. It went pretty well and I think the two of us felt pretty confident after it happened. The small group went really well and then the large group of us ate at a Chinese restaurant afterward. It was a good meal with great people. We trekked back up the hill to the apartment afterward for some sleep.

Sunday was a busy day. The first item on the agenda was to head down the hill to meet a large group of faculty and their families to go swim/eat/hike at a beach called Red Rock. We got arrived after a 45-minute bus ride (this is becoming quite the norm) and immediately started the hike up to the rocks. The hike wasn’t too terrible, and it was definitely worth it. As soon as I came out of the small jungle, I saw an immense sea all around me. I stood out on the edge of one of the rocks and was momentarily overwhelmed by the beauty all around me. I saw waves, rocks, the beach, clouds, and tons of greens. There are not words for how I felt when I was standing there admiring all the goodness of natural beauty. If I could, I would take a journey all across the island on foot and camp on the rocks and beaches to wake up to the sunrise across the water. I could spend hours; days just watching the water interact with the rest of nature. It’s completely mesmerizing to me. But since we had other things planned for the day, I wasn’t able to spend the rest of the day there. So we hiked back to the beach area to eat and swim before the bus took us back home. I had just enough time for a quick shower, then made the hike back down the hill for a worship night with the church. I was interrupted by the security guard at the front gate. Apparently, they take security really seriously here. Well, kind of. I don’t have an ID because I don’t go to school here. So, they aren’t supposed to let me in without an ID. I explained to them that I am visiting the University and I’m only there for a worship night with the church. My explanation wasn’t satisfactory so I had to trade my Missouri driver’s license for a visitor badge for the University. Annoying. They didn’t even ask me any other questions or have any idea what kind of a person I am. My Missouri drivers license really couldn’t have meant that much to them. Oh well, I had a visitor badge and that’s what they really cared about. I was told that I would need a “real” visitors badge from the administration office. So I penciled that into my notebook for future plans. Once I got to the worship night, I really enjoyed the time spent there with the students. It was really a joyful time and just about everyone had it on his or her face.

So today we woke up to go get my real visitors ID badge. All I had to do was give them my Missouri ID again, they wrote down my name, and gave me a piece of paper to show to the security guards at the front gate each time I entered. Wohoo. Mission accomplished. We spent the rest of the day at the pool. If you know me, you’ll know that made me incredibly happy. Tonight, we finally don’t have a bible study or small group or an outing to go to. We will probably watch Back to the Future 3 (we’ve already watched the other two this week) and rest up for a busy day tomorrow. I’m definitely enjoying my time here. The simplicity and natural beauty really breathes life into my soul. It’s a time of relaxation that I seem to have needed. 

First Glimpse of Dominica

So many things have happened since I’ve last written. Isn’t that how it always goes?

I sat waiting in my terminal at the airport until my plane came to take me to Dominica. I must have been sitting there for about 3 hours. It was scheduled to leave at noon but I found out that there was a plane leaving right before mine to the Dominican Republic. They started boarding for that flight at 11:30 so needless to say, my plane was late boarding and taking off. I walked out onto the boarding wing and noticed that there was no plane hooked up. The plane was on the ground about 300 feet from the wing. We had to walk down the stairs, get our carry-on baggage checked, and then climb the stairs up to the turboprop plane. Interesting. 

We flew over the ocean, and seemed to begin the descent into Dominica right after our take-off. I saw the carribbean sea for a while before we landed and then touched town. The airport was definitely smaller than any I had ever been in before. It seemed as if it took forever for me to get my passport stamped and retrieve my checked bag. But shortly thereafter, I walked outside to find my beautiful friend Mitzi waiting for me. I was so excited to see her after my long day of travels. I met Susan, a friend of the Loy’s. The three of us got into a taxi while the taxi driver loaded my things into the back. Driving in Dominica is very different than driving in the US. Steering wheel is on the right, there are only lines on some of the roads, and people honk at each other in what seems like another language. I’ve been told there are about 7 different honks that communicate different things. I don’t understand. Also, the roads might be the curviest, twistiest, craziest things ever. I had no idea that I got carsick until I started having to ride on curvy roads at about 50 mph. My somewhat recent trip to Fredericktown initiated me into the “I get carsick club” but this was a new level. I sorta felt like I wanted to die.

After what felt like an eternity, we arrived to the Loy’s apartment. Then followed a long chat with my wonderful friend April, a small group Bible Study at the Medical University, a hike up the hill to the apartment, and much needed sleep.

Our next day was filled with a day trip to a small hot pool in the ocean, lunch at an fresh outdoor Mexican restaurant, and snorkeling at Champagne Beach.  It’s called Champagne because there are tons of little bubbles that start at the bottom of the ocean and make their way up to the surface. There’s a volcano underneath that produces pressure, hence the bubbles, hence the name Champagne. I was slightly nervous to try the whole snorkeling thing, but it turned out to be quite easy and really enjoyable. It took me a couple minutes to get over the fact that I could see the fish (gross) and I was actually just a couple feet (or inches at times) away from them. Or maybe I wasn’t over it, it’s still disgusting. But it was also very beautiful all at the same time. I saw a couple of sea turtles here, which is apparently not a frequent occurrence. Pretty successful snorkeling trip if you ask me.

After the 45-minute drive back from the trip, we unloaded our things and relaxed at the apartment. Even though the island is only 30 miles long, it takes a very long time to get anywhere because the roads go up into the mountains and all around winds and curves. No more are my days of hopping on the interstate to get 40 miles away in 30 minutes.

Life slowed way down without me realizing it for a while. I was caught up in observing the culture, the people, food, landscape and ocean. While I was marveling at the newness, I failed to observe the change of speed. My trips to Argentina gave me a preparation for life here. In Argentina, things were slower than in the US but not quite like things are here. Maybe it comes with island living in general. 

Thursday was another fantastic day out on the island. A group of four of us went to this place called Titou Gorge. The water was freezing which was painful at first. But after a few minutes, it became normal and refreshing. The water had rocks at the bottom, it was surrounded by a giant cave-like structure with holes in the roof. Large plants were hanging down from the top and there was a small spot where the sunlight peeked through down into the water. There was a large waterfall above the pool the drained into the little pond area. The bottom of the waterfall marked the end of the cavernous pools. April told me that the water is not usually as fast and gushing as it was the day that we went. I was determined to swim to the end to feel the waterfall in my hands. It took a few attempts but I managed. I realized later that I now have some small battle scars on my fingertips. I shimmied along the rocks to get to the waterfall and my fingers got scraped up from the rocks. Worth it? Of course.  Outdoor lunch followed the gorge experience. After that, we took a small trail to another waterfall. The one waterfall really turned out to be two and there was a beautiful little viewing point for us to look out from. I loved it. There’s something about a waterfall that I find myself being lost in. There’s something incredible about the natural beauty that God has created. I’ve never seen anything so wonderful that has been made by the hands of men. I could watch water being tossed, splashed, and poured down rocks for hours at a time. I can’t even watch TV for hours at a time. I think there’s a part of everyone that connects with nature in an unexplainable way, a very deeply beautiful way. Sometimes there’s too many commercials, too many movies, TV shoes, video games, websites, text messages and phone calls that stand in the way of people accessing that divine place of man meeting God’s creation of natural beauty. I wish more people could experience this, more often.

We came home after the adventurous day for another small group in the evening. It was a women’s group that met at the apartment. It was a fantastic time. Everyone was warm and open to share their lives. Mitzi tells me that its an effect of the island. The natives here are so culturally blocked out that people from the US have such an instant bond. Also, island living can make one feel very lonely so people are incredibly open and giving in their relationships here. It makes sense. But the women that came all had such interesting stories and I was able to see the beauty of the Lord in all of their lives. It’s so exciting to me that I could feel such a strong connection and bond with five women that I had just met on a island that I had just arrived on. I was thankful.

Today, we had water aerobics class in the morning. The instructor was telling us about how she and some friends have been hiking a 120 mile long trail through the mountains. Her story included chiggers, machetes cutting down trees, and climbing ropes up the incredible inclines. Talk about an adrenaline rush! Sometimes, life here seems like a fairy tale. I love the views, the ocean, the greenery (it comes in just about every shade you could imagine), and the landscape. Simply beautiful. I’m hoping that spending all this time outside will get me into better shape. All I see here is beautiful defined legs on all the native women. I wouldn’t mind experiencing the benefits of walking everywhere for about a month. We’ll see what happens.

I’m working out my struggle for understanding the next step of my life. I think this island is teaching me to be peaceful and patient. I’m learning to simply wait. This is good for me.

San Juan

written Tuesday July 3 around 1:30AM (San Juan time)

So here I am, sitting in the Puerto Rican airport. My fellow traveler friends are quite few but it is comforting to have some people nearby. I was in somewhat of a state of panic when I got off the place this evening. Getting off the place safely, check. Picking up my baggage, check.  Figuring out where to go for connecting flights…not so much a check. I wandered around like an idiot for a while, only seeing other baggage claim machines. Found a couple signs that told me in Spanish that I could meet people outside of the doors. Convenient if I were meeting people here. How do I find the area for American Airlines? Oh sheesh, I’ll just ask someone. So, I asked the next airport crew member if he speaks English. He said yes! Success! I then asked how to get to American Airlines. He chuckled and said something about “you will get lost…you have to go outside.” WHAT!? Blah. Okay, so then he walks me over to the window. He explains (in broken English) that I need to follow the windows, go to the end of the building. Then there will be stairs to take me to the other part of the airport. Great. I’ll carry my 52 pound bag up the stairs. 

So I did. It was hot. Creepy men were driving by staring at me and speaking to me in Spanish. I was kind of the only one walking around at 11pm outside of San Juan’s airport. I spied a local bar/restaurant across the street. I thought about going over there for maybe a total of three seconds. You all will be pleased to know that the reason I immediately dismissed the idea was due to the fact that I would have to take my luggage in. Any way, I carried my luggage up the stairs in the muggy nasty heat. I walked up to the closest door of the airport, hoping it would be unlocked so I wouldn’t walk straight into the door or be locked outside all night. Thank God, it opened up for me. I walked in to find a semi-destroyed ticket area, a gigantic puddle of (what I hope was) water, and a couple homeless-looking folk. One reeked of booze and the other seemed to be on some type of drugs. Looking back, I am sad for their hearts, I really am. But in that moment, I was more scared than concerned for their current emotional sanity. I’m sorry for it, but I was. I kinda freaking out a little. I noticed that I received a couple of junk/spam emails once I got off the plane. I noticed that my phone appeared to have signal with no roaming, it still was even in Sprint network. I shot Tricia a text something like “hey, if you get this, check sprint’s website out and see if I can texty” so she did. And saw that I could. Perfect. I told her of my troubles and she rescued me. She sent me to concourse D where I would eventually be able to check my bags sometime in the morning. I walked down here and immediately felt better. A wave of relief had washed over and now I felt good enough about my safety to feel bad for the sketchy characters that I saw earlier. I’m embarrassed by how incredibly indecent that sounds, but I’m telling the truth. I wish my heart was different about it, but it wasn’t.

Back to current scene: flashing colored lights.  I’m thankful that I don’t have epilepsy. Green, blue, purple, red, pink, orange, then green…all within a matter of maybe a second. Maybe less. They’re moving really quickly. My mom called, so I talked to her for a few minutes. And now here I am writing about my experience thus far. I’d say I was definitely scared of this part of the trip. When I arrived, my fears were staring me in the face. But hey, I made it and I feel safe enough to remove my backpack from my lap and death grip to set it on the floor next to my feet in order to type this. Progress.

I’ve got approximately 10 hours until my flight leaves. I plan to wake up (if I sleep at all) around 8 or 9am to get some breakfast and then check my bag. I’m ready to be in Dominica with people I know and where people speak English. I’m on the first plane out of here. Literally. It also happens to be the only one.