blah blah, ramble ramble

July 23, 2012

Hey Mom! I started this for you.  Love you.

“Write even when you don’t feel like writing.” I told this to myself so many times before I left, in hopes that I would have a large collection of all my writings at the end of my trip. I still didn’t feel like writing this when I started typing, but I’m already better.  

I’ve been thinking, praying, and (kind of) writing towards understanding peacefulness and rest. I thought that once I finally let go of all the “worries of the world” I would feel more at peace, I would feel as if everything is perfect and I was just running in circles in wide open pastures. I didn’t feel that way during the very moment that I thought would be the most perfect and peaceful. I was laying by the pool in perfect weather with the most beautiful background imaginable in my line of view. I lay there soaking in the sun while my brain went crazy! I’ve taken a vacation from my car, my house, my bills, finances, worries, everything. I failed to take into account that no matter how hard I try, I can’t take a vacation from myself. A lot of my thoughts left once I left the US.

Practical thoughts like:

This traffic sucks.

I have to go get gas again…I’ll wait another day.

Did I miss my credit card payment?

Wait, do I have any money in my checking account at all?

Crap, what time do I work tomorrow?

Should I not be going out tonight?

Did I wash my work uniform?

And even some deeper thoughts like:

What kind of sociological impact does the campus have on the community?

Are the relationships I have with customers at work really relationships at all?

Will reading books make me more cultured or am I just reading American products of American men which results in more American thoughts?

…and stuff like that.

But some thoughts very much remained the same. As I sat by the pool, I wondered:

So, would I be okay in a different country all by myself?

Is there any real (significant) difference between any given two people or do we all have the same thoughts and questions?

If I have dreams and I’m not actively pursuing them, does that make me lazy?

If I’m unsure about my next stage in life, do I wait until I’m sure or do I just go out and do it?

Is it wrong to pursue something that you want until you get it?

Is it wrong to never pursue something that you want?

…and the list goes on and on and on.

I was disappointed when I realized that some of the most bothersome, consuming contemplations that bounce back and forth in my brain are probably there to stay for a while. These are the kinds of questions that produce character as I search for the answers. Which then just makes me wonder if there’s ever going to be answers for me. Or are these those questions that are only answered in the journey.  

Sigh.

This may be the reason that I can’t be left alone for a very long amount of time. I get myself lost in my mind. No vacation will every give me a vacation from myself. I need to learn to be comfortable with my thoughts.

I’m also wondering about balance. Balance. How will I ever get my life to be balanced? I feel like I live the edge of a saucer. I keep walking around the edges, contemplating how other people are doing on the other side of the saucer. Perhaps I’ll walk closer to them to see how things are. I accidentally run through the middle much quicker than I intend to and I end up right back on the edge of the other side. It’s quite the predicament, really.

Or maybe my problem is that I’m stuck in the middle but I’m preoccupied by the extremes and I am always cautious to not err too far on any side of extremity. I’ve figured it out. My actions, conversations, and life are mostly balanced in the middle. My thoughts are what run around the edges of the saucers.